I really have no idea what I’m doing.
Flying by the seat of my pants is something I’m used to doing while teaching, cooking, and accessorizing, but it’s not something I am entirely comfortable with when it comes to parenting. After all, I am shaping a human being.
I am continuously astonished by how being a parent has changed my life. I used to think I had it all under control, but one thing after another crumbled beneath me.
- I knew I would have a home birth. I wasn’t expecting to have a breech baby and an emergency c-section.
- I knew I would breastfeed. I wasn’t expecting three months of excruciating pain or having a baby that wanted to eat hourly at 9 months. I am now going against LLL and putting him on a schedule (gasp!).
- I knew I wouldn’t let my baby “cry-it-out.” I wasn’t expecting that he would never sleep through the night.
- I knew I would co-sleep. I wasn’t expecting to have a baby who slept better alone in his crib.
- I knew I would not vaccinate. I wasn’t expecting that I would decide to vaccine my child on a modified schedule and that I would change my whole world view about vaccinations.
- I knew I would not allow Oscar to watch television. I wasn’t expecting how desperately lonely it can be to be home with a baby, or how well reruns of Friends can alleviate that loneliness.
- I knew I would fall in love. I just had no idea how hard.
I’m not a perfect mom, and Oscar will not be a perfect child. But one day I realized that I don’t want him to be perfect. I hate perfect people!
I’m tired, so I started letting Oscar cry instead of getting up to feed him every two hours. I decided to cut out one feeding at a time, and currently his bedtime is 7:00, I feed him before I go to bed, and then he usually sleeps from around midnight until 5:00 A.M., which is HEAVENLY.
Oscar got the H1N1 vaccine. He had no side effects at all, as has been the case with all of his vaccines.
I worry A LOT. I worry that Oscar will get sick or injured. I’m actually pretty pissed that I created this magical little person, because now there is no way I could live without him.
Oscar is funny as hell. We play this game now where I yell and then he yells. Sometimes I look at him, take a deep breath, and we both yell at the same time. I have decided that this is now my all-time favorite activity.
Having a kid will really and truly ruin your life. In the best possible way.
One thought on “Finding My Way”
I happened upon your blog somehow last night and when I read this entry, I just had to comment. I could have written this! I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 month old and I completely understand everything you wrote. I recently heard the saying, ‘I was the perfect mother until I had a child.’ That would be me! I’m still trying to be a perfect mother and I still want perfect children, but neither is true…and I like it this way. Doesn’t it make life more interesting;)
I’m glad I found your blog…